CW: Heavy stuff about child abuse, internalized transphobia/shame
I think many people misunderstand what I do, and why I make so many things involving young characters, and why I depict myself as a teenager/child so often.The truth is, I feel like I missed out on a lot growing up. Like many trans people, I denied my inner self the life she wanted, for her own safety. But even as a kid, I’ve always had a thing for nudity and nudism. So, in a way, this ‘sona I’ve made for myself, and nude modding games I grew up with, is fulfilling childhood desires/dreams I was too scared to partake in until now. It just sucks that it causes people to assume the worst of me. But the truth is, as a victim of abuse myself, I know firsthand the damage it does to you. And I’d never wish that on anyone, not even the most depraved criminal.
I believe in bodily autonomy and consent above all else, and believe my feminist beliefs are fully compatible with my art, despite many assumptions by outsiders.
I create my art because it makes me happy. I make my cute girls (sometimes boys) free to be nude or even express mild sexuality in a context free of abuse or manipulation or coercion, because in a way it’s what I wish I had back then, instead of the abuse I sustained. A lot of these characters are characters I grew up with, who I feel an emotional attachment to.
Even as young as 12, I used to wish I could modify Sonic Heroes to make Team Rose naked. Or Sonic Adventure. (That dream came true) Or any number of games I liked. But see, these feelings, they made me beat myself up internally. I treated them as “sick pervert feelings”, the same way I treated those girl thoughts, about being a girl, about being trans. I saw it all as something I could never tell anyone, that everyone would find disgusting, like when you have intrusive thoughts about murder or whatever.
But now, as an adult, I see I was wrong. I was groomed (yes, groomed) by society to hate myself and hate my natural feelings. My completely innocent feelings as a child. The feelings that were later corrupted and used against me by sick, sick adults that took advantage of me and my self-hate, deepening said self-hate for “letting” them abuse me…
So now, as an adult, I make art that reflects that more innocent state of mind, and I hate it when people conflate it with people that abused me, because no child should ever be abused. They are vulnerable and dependent, and I can’t understand how anyone would be sick enough to do that, and that includes accepted and legal abuse, such as physical violence as a tool of discipline, or emotional abuse/neglect, or grooming your child to be a mini version of you.
Even stuff like forcing your child to hug a relative, thus teaching them that their boundaries and consent doesn’t matter, I think, is abuse.
All of these, disgust me.
Yet here I am, being compared to those kinds of people because I make art of fictional characters… I wish people would understand that I have a heavy barrier between reality and fantasy, just like they (hopefully) do for things like violent games and movies. It’s not real. And I don’t know why it gives me inner peace, but it does. Being able to accept myself and the art I make, makes me feel like a whole person after a life of disassociation with my innocent past self.
Hello, Jenny, I leave this comment to let you know that I am like you, no, I am not trans, what I mean is that I also suffered abuse as a child, and like you, I have always seen peace and freedom in nudity. , and exactly like you I have a strong barrier between what is fictional and what is real. And I understand you, yes, I will never understand what it is to be trans, but I do know what it feels like to question your own mental and moral health by having thoughts that disturb other people, and I want you to know that the problem is theirs, It’s not you nor am I, in this world there are few people who understand us, but you know what? That’s okay, it’s lonely yes, but fascinating, people like you are a treasure, and I love your art, and I love your content, and I hope you never stop creating, I love you very much.
Thank you, it means a lot to me. I hope whatever ordeals you went through are healing.
And well, being trans is a completely different set of challenges, it’s just the trauma from the rest of life adding on to it makes it harder.
I’ll never stop creating what I love, though. No worries about that. ^_^
I’m glad of what you are saying, and also that I’m not the only one, my only “problem” was the tendency I had to make nude little girls and characters for stories and games I want to make, and I finally accepted that I’m a lolicon that enjoys this content to the hearth, like you I’m trying to make lolicon games on my own, and whenever I can I mod all the games to make all women little girls naked or with clothes that expose their private areas, (i done that with Skyrim and is amazing) and men having sex with them so I’m trying to create worlds like those.
Is sad what you went through but I think you found the healthiest way possible to deal with it, using creativity and creation of fiction, people like to put themselves in high moral pedestals and seek any stupid excuse to do this, so they target what they think is easy, Lolicon and Shotacon, not knowing that helps a lot of Pedos so they won’t molest.
Keep up the good work, we need more people making this type o content because it acts a catharsis to take the worst of humans out onto fictional characters so the real children are safe.
Well, I’m not one of those pedos and I want to stay away from them, but I also understand it helps them, and I’m glad for that.
My condolences means very little, but I give it. Good to hear you have taken more control of your life to do the things that make you happy, even if its still a rocky road. I’m happy to learn and understand your focus for cute nude innocents. I think there was a time I was really into the same thing. Being an adult sucks, little time, little energy. But at least you are doing something, I’ve been trying to make games for years, but due to my issues with high standards, never really went far. As far as I am concerned, anything is better than nothing, so you already doing more than me 😀
Thanks, I’m trying my best. And I wish you the best in your game dev endeavors.
cheer up to you alonwoof some people can not discern the truth or Get the truth and select to blame someone like witch hunt but that people that who blame is do your self you have free to do alonwoof can development that many people can not do even someone can not like your art but someone like your art like me and you can endure to make something best without give up is to rare people to find it
Thank you…