Category Archives: Random Thoughts

The various versions of “Jenny”

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So, as y’all know, in 2020, I decided I needed a ‘sona to represent the “true” me. I came to a realization that, well… as a trans girl, I never got to be a kid as a girl. (Or a kid in general past age 12, but let’s not get into that) Even though I’ve since transitioned really well, it’s still a bit jarring looking in the mirror at an adult woman who was never a little girl.

So, as part of me coming out, I made Jenny. I started out calling her Jen, and made a model that I originally intended to be a loli version of myself, my idealized self. But, because I was still dealing with old “friends” (See this rant. ) I decided to give her booba and slightly weird but more adult-ish proportions. What resulted was a cute girl, but not fully “me” yet. I will l say, she definitely has a heartwarming smile, at least.

But, she wasn’t “me”…. as weird as this sounds, I feel more comfy as a preteen/early teen girl, aged 11 – 14, because that was a happy time for me. It’s also where my development was halted by trauma and bad stuffs… so I wanted to make a Jenny that reflected how I felt inside.

So, a little later, I made “Jenny 2.0” inspired by らすと’s artwork. She was a lot closer to how I want to be seen. I was still scared to mention she’s canonically 11/12 years old, but she made me so much more happy. I made a render of her based on a funny manga panel I liked directing at haters.

An unapologetically small and cute girl who didn’t give a heck if you found her nudity obscene due to her age/size. She is what she is, and exists peacefully without anyone hurting or abusing her for it. This was cathartic for me, someone who WAS abused at her age, to see her free and naked and expressing herself in her way, without being victimized by anyone. People often fundamentally misunderstand my relationship with my character. She’s a reflection of me, not an object of my personal desire. But, that shouldn’t matter, it’s none of their business anyway, so… whatever, fuck them, they can “cope, seethe and mald” as the kids say. X3

Then, something interesting happened as I started to take HRT, almost a year into my treatment, memories and repressed feelings started churning… and while I was numb and emotionally dead during the time I was Jenny’s age… things were finally catching up, 17 years later…. I had flashbacks to both good and bad things, and wept and cried a lot from acts of cruelty and acts of kindness to the small me alike. A delayed reaction, because I was numb and straight faced to protect myself back then. But… taking the hormones, turning into a woman externally after all this time… made my mind feel safe enough to finally process it. So… since I was always a bit jealous of the goth/emo girls at school for expressing themselves so freely… Jenny had a belated goth phase.

She was even edgy and a bit lewd at times.

I don't think I ever translated this one to English because I was kinda embarrassed... but um... she's saying "Are you looking at my Goth Pussy?"... "Wanna lick it? I won't tell anyone."

She didn’t give a heck even more than the previous Jenny.

But, well, as I processed these feelings… i decided, since I was internally feeling things leading up into my adolescence now, I decided to make her slightly older to match. Just a few years older. So… I edited Jenny 2.0 here a bit to give her a bit of breast (kinda like how I was growing breasts IRL) and a bit of pubic fuzz, and I think I made her SLIGHTLY taller…? But either way, this is the current Jenny.

She’s still small and cute, but slightly older. This wasn’t me selling out or anything, but legitimately just me depicting my character growing with me, at least a little.

However, looking at my model, I kinda wanna make a Jenny 3.0. There’s a few things I can improve, namely her face topology.

The flow around her mouth and cheek isn’t ideal, and other anime-style characters do it much better, especially those vroid-style characters. Not to say I want to go vroid style, but I could learn a thing or two from them.

Also, her proportions. She’s like, 4 heads tall which is weird for a girl her age, unless we’re going for a particularly chibi/moe artstyle, which isn’t quite my deal.

I want her to have proportions more akin to girls from shojou anime I watch, like Kinomoto Sakura or Kurata Sana

They’re about 5 heads tall, and still really cute. Even my friend, Kayo Nishino, is better proportioned than Jenny.

So , I might work on a Jenny 3.0 one day. Maybe sometime in the winter when my butt isn’t sticking to the leather of my seat and my eyes aren’t hurting from the sunlight. (I should really invest in sunglasses)

But for now, I’m thinking about it. I need to study anime models for a while. There’s no shortage of cute anime girl 3D models online and in games, after all. X3

Anyways, thanks for listening.

The true me (VENT)

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CW: Heavy stuff about child abuse, internalized transphobia/shame

I think many people misunderstand what I do, and why I make so many things involving young characters, and why I depict myself as a teenager/child so often.The truth is, I feel like I missed out on a lot growing up. Like many trans people, I denied my inner self the life she wanted, for her own safety. But even as a kid, I’ve always had a thing for nudity and nudism. So, in a way, this ‘sona I’ve made for myself, and nude modding games I grew up with, is fulfilling childhood desires/dreams I was too scared to partake in until now. It just sucks that it causes people to assume the worst of me. But the truth is, as a victim of abuse myself, I know firsthand the damage it does to you. And I’d never wish that on anyone, not even the most depraved criminal.

I believe in bodily autonomy and consent above all else, and believe my feminist beliefs are fully compatible with my art, despite many assumptions by outsiders.

I create my art because it makes me happy. I make my cute girls (sometimes boys) free to be nude or even express mild sexuality in a context free of abuse or manipulation or coercion, because in a way it’s what I wish I had back then, instead of the abuse I sustained. A lot of these characters are characters I grew up with, who I feel an emotional attachment to.

Even as young as 12, I used to wish I could modify Sonic Heroes to make Team Rose naked. Or Sonic Adventure. (That dream came true) Or any number of games I liked. But see, these feelings, they made me beat myself up internally. I treated them as “sick pervert feelings”, the same way I treated those girl thoughts, about being a girl, about being trans. I saw it all as something I could never tell anyone, that everyone would find disgusting, like when you have intrusive thoughts about murder or whatever.

But now, as an adult, I see I was wrong. I was groomed (yes, groomed) by society to hate myself and hate my natural feelings. My completely innocent feelings as a child. The feelings that were later corrupted and used against me by sick, sick adults that took advantage of me and my self-hate, deepening said self-hate for “letting” them abuse me…

So now, as an adult, I make art that reflects that more innocent state of mind, and I hate it when people conflate it with people that abused me, because no child should ever be abused. They are vulnerable and dependent, and I can’t understand how anyone would be sick enough to do that, and that includes accepted and legal abuse, such as physical violence as a tool of discipline, or emotional abuse/neglect, or grooming your child to be a mini version of you.

Even stuff like forcing your child to hug a relative, thus teaching them that their boundaries and consent doesn’t matter, I think, is abuse.

All of these, disgust me.

Yet here I am, being compared to those kinds of people because I make art of fictional characters… I wish people would understand that I have a heavy barrier between reality and fantasy, just like they (hopefully) do for things like violent games and movies. It’s not real. And I don’t know why it gives me inner peace, but it does. Being able to accept myself and the art I make, makes me feel like a whole person after a life of disassociation with my innocent past self.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

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Merry Christmas! I hope y’all have been well.
I spent my Christmas eve with family having a great time and drinking too much wine then proceeding to bump into walls repeatedly. But it was fun. X3

Anyways, this tail end of the year has been kinda a slump for me, but as the new year begins I’m filled with a newfound confidence and sense of purpose, so I’m sure to have more stuffs for you guys soon. I might even start publicly taking model commissions soon, too!

Anyways, here’s to 2024, y’all. Hope it treats you well. ^_^

Sometimes I just can’t help but think… (VENT POST)

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All of this hate for me, all of these people trying to ruin my life, but when a lot of them actually see what everyone’s mad at me over, and the rumors are dispelled… they’re like, “Really, is that it…?”

I just like naked cartoon girls. (and boys) That’s my only crime. Why am I being fucking crucified over it? Can’t a lady have a healthy polyamorous lesbian relationship, a healthy sense of boundaries and consent, and still enjoy cute naked girls? Why is everyone super scared I’m some kind of psycho when I’ve never ever made an attempt to even begin to abuse anyone?

People just want an excuse to torture someone. It’s just sadism. Simple as that.

That’s why when legit creeps are in their midst, if it’s someone they like, and they’re quiet about it, they also keep quiet about it, or even DEFEND the creep.

Yeah, me being jealous of Kinomoto Sakura and having nude wallpapers of her is TOTALLY gonna hurt more people than someone who’s legit hanging out with teenagers and framing themselves as a “safe adult” like a fucking creep.

I don’t even want minors near me, they’re too much trouble. I just want to reclaim my lost childhood/teenhood in my own weird, messy way. That’s all it is. It’s a very queer experience, but as we all know, according to puriteens, there’s a right and a wrong way to be queer, and only the pure and “””wholesome””” queers avoid being doxxed and having death threats hurled at them.


Back in the distant days of…. um, 2020… I was legit in a group on Second Life where it was an adult Sonic-themed place, but some idiot that built stuff there thought it would be cool to let their elementary school aged child have the controls and look around at daddy’s neat Sonic builds… in an adult area where naked and fetish avatars and adult clubs are often seen.
And then the guy yells at *me* for being naked… in an adult area, that he let his kid play in.

One time I even reported a legit creep who was a danger who admit he liked to ERP with minors, teens playing SL. He said it was perfectly fine, even though he was in his late 20s/early 30s. I reported him to the staff there… and last I checked he was still there and no one did anything.

Here’s the kicker… these people would later throw me under the bus over my art… on twitter, unrelated to the server, because it “made them look bad” or something, because unlike them, I didn’t “age up” characters or something, even though I drew them the same just with normal sized proportions. Yeah, cool, draw Cream the Rabbit getting bukkake’d by 10 dicks as long as you put E cup tits on her little body. But draw Amy looking normal with normal breasts or Tails without a 10 incher, BANNED. LITERAL CREEP. PEDO.

But yeah let’s keep the guy who thought it was cool to let his kid play an adult game, and yeah, let’s let that creep who grooms teenagers go. Let’s ban Alon, she’s a good scapegoat.

I gave those fuckers over $200 USD in donations and was an active member of the community for 7+ years. And this is what I get.

But you know what’s the worst part?

Part of me wants to forgive them. I want to let go of my anger and just accept that they’re cowards. They don’t actually have a moral issue with me at all, as a matter of fact in 2014 times they were *worse* than me. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say they had some interesting ideas like Vanilla the hooker and “bring your daughter to work day” stuff. Stuff that I personally find a little ick.

Did they say “No Alon, we can’t do that anymore”…? No, they pretended like it never happened and I’m a creep because it’s easier than admitting they’re folding to a bunch of moral busybodies.

I value boundaries and consent more than any of those fuckers, as a CSA victim myself, and if it were me in charge… you bet those creeps would be outed, shamed, and banned.

To prove my point… if anyone violates your boundaries, it’s OK to tell them no. Don’t feel obligated to continue. You are your own person, and your feelings matter. No one should be forcing or coercing you. Beware of people that try to tell you how to feel or guilt trip you. You matter, your feelings matter, and no one has the right to force you to be physically, emotionally, or sexually intimate if it’s not comfortable for you.

Anyways, thank you for listening to “venom” Jenny whine about distant and old issues.
(I’m still pissed, heartbroken, and traumatized… but less than I was back then. These things take time)

Jenny got a bit older

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And I bet you’re wondering why… I guarantee you, it wasn’t an act of self-censorship.

(WARNING: This one gets a bit personal, discusses trauma, self-loathing transphobia, etc)

Well, um, I designed her originally to be a bit younger, smaller, flatter chested because she’s a reflection of my soul in a way, and I was very happy when I was about that age (around 11 – early 12). My adolescence was full of trauma and emotional numbness. I liked my younger, innocent self before all the sexual abuse and emotional abuse and physical abuse happened. Part of me really wishes I could go back, especially to live as a girl from the start and grow up as my true self rather than pretending to be a boy for so long.

My age 12 – 17 year old self was a completely different person. She was very much numb to everything, as a self-defense mechanism. So much happened to me, so many big life changes, from being sexually abused when I was homeless and staying with my mom’s former friend, to abusive foster parents, to being institutionalized in a group home for delinquents….”Jenny” as we know her now never got a chance to discover herself, to live her life.

To expand on my last post about “killing the cop in my head”….
Back then I was scared of doing things like reading Shoujo manga, or expressing myself with how I dress or anything, I just didn’t care. I was forced to be a boy, because the idea of being a girl deep down scared me. Due to my existing self-loathing “I’m a creep” complex, 14 year old me reasoned she only felt like a girl and wanted to read shoujo and felt jealous of the emo girls dressing all cool in black and such was just some weird cis male nonsense about wanting to creep on them and infiltrate. It was a terrible mentality, and I lived with it most of my life. I never felt innocent. I always felt like I was a creepy middle aged man rather than an innocent child exploring her identity, like I said in my last post. (Heck, back then I even hated porn that had males in it at all, and even though I liked girls, I didn’t feel like I liked them in the same way boys typically do. It was weird and I used it as a bludgeon to call myself even more of a creep. “Why are you watching lesbians, what’s wrong with you?” I’d ask myself…)

However, recently… as a 30 year old woman finally coming to terms with her true self (and going through 2nd puberty) I’m feeling this weird thing that’s kinda similar to age regression, and the younger version of me that’s slightly older than that first Jenny is coming out. She wants to read shoujo manga, listen to the same kinds of music the emo kids listened to in 2007, dye her hair black… I was scared to let her out when I was actually experiencing these feelings back then. I guess I was emotionally constipated… but now I find myself randomly crying from finally processing both good and bad things that happened to me back then. I’m slowly healing. (That’s why Jenny is dressing all goth now.)

So um, as a way of embracing myself, I decided to make Jenny be slightly older. She’s both 30 year old me and 14 year old me rolled into one character, kinda like how I feel like an adult and have the worldview and emotional maturity of an adult, but want to embrace my younger self that was locked away for so long as well. I’m finally letting down the tough facade of a hardened adult in a teenager’s body, and being a teenager as a hardened adult, if that makes sense.

I know people might find this cringe, or weird, or creepy… but it’s just my genuine feelings. I’m honestly terrified, even now, that someone I care about is gonna read this and take it the wrong way like I’m gonna go actually try to live as a teenager or even go after them or something gross like that… but I’m still the same me, I still am an adult, and have loving relationships with people my own age. I just use my persona to explore messy feelings, is all. (I probably don’t even need to say this, but… you know how my enemies are)

I appreciate the love and support from my partners in this weird time for me.
I love you so much, Soroshi… Kate.

And all my friends, I love you as well. Thank you for supporting me, everyone.
I’ll continue to express my creativity, no matter what.

“Killing the cop in your head”

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It’s a concept I’ve been thinking about lately.

The cop in my head tells me all kinds of bad things, like that I shouldn’t enjoy the things I enjoy, that I should return to being “normal” or something. But ah, what’s the point in that? Being weird is what makes me interesting, and what makes me happy. The good outweighs the bad.

I’ve got some legit hangups and self-image issues I’m working out. I felt like a creepy old man when I was 11 – 18, and I’m trying to undo that damage, which is ironic considering I feel more innocent as a 30 year old woman than I did as a teenage egg of a girl.

I’ve been thinking of shoujo manga I so desperately wanted to read but couldn’t because of the “cop in my head” I had back then telling me that I was a creep that just wanted to read stories for girls for… um, creepy cis male reasons…? I don’t know exactly what I was thinking, but I know better now. I understand myself better, and know the real delusion wasn’t that I was trans deep down, but that I was some kind of middle aged creep and not just an innocent child exploring her identity.

Matter of fact, I think I subconsciously put a bit of this aspect of myself into Alon Dehan’s characterization – she views herself as an adult in her traumatic flashbacks until you work out her issues as the story progresses, and in the final version of her flashback, you see her as the scared child she was back then, as she learns to forgive herself.

I’m slowly but surely doing that with my real life self.

Also, sorry if this website gives off professional vibes and this is a bit more personal, I’m basically using this website in place of my old twitter account(s). Hope it’s not a problem.