So, as y’all know, in 2020, I decided I needed a ‘sona to represent the “true” me. I came to a realization that, well… as a trans girl, I never got to be a kid as a girl. (Or a kid in general past age 12, but let’s not get into that) Even though I’ve since transitioned really well, it’s still a bit jarring looking in the mirror at an adult woman who was never a little girl.

So, as part of me coming out, I made Jenny. I started out calling her Jen, and made a model that I originally intended to be a loli version of myself, my idealized self. But, because I was still dealing with old “friends” (See this rant. ) I decided to give her booba and slightly weird but more adult-ish proportions. What resulted was a cute girl, but not fully “me” yet. I will l say, she definitely has a heartwarming smile, at least.

But, she wasn’t “me”…. as weird as this sounds, I feel more comfy as a preteen/early teen girl, aged 11 – 14, because that was a happy time for me. It’s also where my development was halted by trauma and bad stuffs… so I wanted to make a Jenny that reflected how I felt inside.

So, a little later, I made “Jenny 2.0” inspired by らすと’s artwork. She was a lot closer to how I want to be seen. I was still scared to mention she’s canonically 11/12 years old, but she made me so much more happy. I made a render of her based on a funny manga panel I liked directing at haters.

An unapologetically small and cute girl who didn’t give a heck if you found her nudity obscene due to her age/size. She is what she is, and exists peacefully without anyone hurting or abusing her for it. This was cathartic for me, someone who WAS abused at her age, to see her free and naked and expressing herself in her way, without being victimized by anyone. People often fundamentally misunderstand my relationship with my character. She’s a reflection of me, not an object of my personal desire. But, that shouldn’t matter, it’s none of their business anyway, so… whatever, fuck them, they can “cope, seethe and mald” as the kids say. X3

Then, something interesting happened as I started to take HRT, almost a year into my treatment, memories and repressed feelings started churning… and while I was numb and emotionally dead during the time I was Jenny’s age… things were finally catching up, 17 years later…. I had flashbacks to both good and bad things, and wept and cried a lot from acts of cruelty and acts of kindness to the small me alike. A delayed reaction, because I was numb and straight faced to protect myself back then. But… taking the hormones, turning into a woman externally after all this time… made my mind feel safe enough to finally process it. So… since I was always a bit jealous of the goth/emo girls at school for expressing themselves so freely… Jenny had a belated goth phase.

She was even edgy and a bit lewd at times.

She didn’t give a heck even more than the previous Jenny.

But, well, as I processed these feelings… i decided, since I was internally feeling things leading up into my adolescence now, I decided to make her slightly older to match. Just a few years older. So… I edited Jenny 2.0 here a bit to give her a bit of breast (kinda like how I was growing breasts IRL) and a bit of pubic fuzz, and I think I made her SLIGHTLY taller…? But either way, this is the current Jenny.

She’s still small and cute, but slightly older. This wasn’t me selling out or anything, but legitimately just me depicting my character growing with me, at least a little.

However, looking at my model, I kinda wanna make a Jenny 3.0. There’s a few things I can improve, namely her face topology.

The flow around her mouth and cheek isn’t ideal, and other anime-style characters do it much better, especially those vroid-style characters. Not to say I want to go vroid style, but I could learn a thing or two from them.

Also, her proportions. She’s like, 4 heads tall which is weird for a girl her age, unless we’re going for a particularly chibi/moe artstyle, which isn’t quite my deal.

I want her to have proportions more akin to girls from shojou anime I watch, like Kinomoto Sakura or Kurata Sana

They’re about 5 heads tall, and still really cute. Even my friend, Kayo Nishino, is better proportioned than Jenny.

So , I might work on a Jenny 3.0 one day. Maybe sometime in the winter when my butt isn’t sticking to the leather of my seat and my eyes aren’t hurting from the sunlight. (I should really invest in sunglasses)

But for now, I’m thinking about it. I need to study anime models for a while. There’s no shortage of cute anime girl 3D models online and in games, after all. X3

Anyways, thanks for listening.